Books on tape - I guess that should be cd!

Hubby and I had a little spat this morning - well, no one would really know that it was a spat because it wasn't the usual screaming, slamming doors and stomping out of the room. I guess I was calm today! But he ticked me off so bad this morning that it was all I could think of all the way to work.

I'm not going to get into the substance of the disagreement because it was so illogical that it's not worth mentioning. All I could say is that men are really very different. You would think that this should not come as a revelation at this point in my life - I mean c'mon, I'm a grown 35-years of age and I've been at this dating/relationship/even marriage thing for a long time now. But, yes ... they are really from mars!

Despite the anger that I felt at that moment, I managed to keep it all under control. I said nothing and I went about my business. Of course, in my slightly passive aggressive way I didn't really say anything to him at all after this ridiculous discussion. But - I did not explode and I forgot about it as I got to work. This evening when I got home I was fine and that's very abnormal for me as I tend to hold on to things and stay mad for a while.

I attribute this strange (but welcome) behavior to the fact that I've been listening in the car to Pastor Joel Osteen's book "Become a Better You". I love Pastor Joel! I actually wish that I lived in Houston to attend his church. There is just something about him that reaches your soul - you know what I'm talking about? Don't worry, I'm not trying to recruit you into some strange internet cult!

Anyway, I've been listening to him during my extremely short commutes and this morning was a testament to how your mind sucks up information without much effort. Unlike the attention needed to actually read a book, listening to a book on tape requires far less concentration. Of course, what quite often happens is you have to listen to it a few times to really digest the information. So, I've probably listened to the entire book about 5 or 6 times since I bought it, and I think the message is embedded in my brain now.

I can't recite passages from the book for you (i.e. not a cult), but this morning's episode surely proves that the messages are impressed on my psyche and are changing my behavior.

I'm really happy about the way I handled the situation and I give part the credit to listening to Pastor Joel on a daily basis (mostly I credit a higher god).

Give books on tape/cd a try especially if it's a book that you've really wanted to read and just never had or will have a chance - it's a great way to multi-task. This proved to be a good thing for me and my marriage as well.

Treasure time

You may remember that I was laid off in February and then about 1 month ago I accepted a position at my old, old job and I've just been waiting on a start date. Well, I will be starting on Monday. I'm excited to start and I know hubby is excited too although he won't actually say it.

So....why do I feel like this? I feel sooooo blue. I am excited to get back out there and make some money, but I am so afraid that I will just get right back into the flow of things and I'm even more afraid that I'm going to lose what I just found.

You see, for various reasons I don't think I've ever really been a good wife nor a good mother (see this post). I don't think I ever really embraced either role very well and I know for sure that I've never quite been able to balance them simultaneously. When hubby and I first got married, I had about a month's gap in between jobs and I was adjusting to being married. You know...that transitional period where you're not quite sure what you're doing and you're moving from that me stage to the we stage. Then, three years later I spent a year at home when daughter was born and I loved it - being able to be here to nurture and love her and have the comfort of knowing that she was safe and well cared for. However, during that entire year, I wasn't really much of a wife.

For some reason when I got laid off a couple months things were just different with me. I think I've matured as a person and wanted to try to do better for my daughter and my husband and ultimately for myself. I actually felt a sense of accomplishment taking care of them - cooking, cleaning, laundry, school related activities, involvement with hubby's job etc. I have NEVER felt that way before. I also de-stressed and did a lot of reflection and dreaming during this time as well. Another first for me. I believe I can say that I've been happy - truly happy during this time.

I sit here on Thursday almost in tears because I am honestly afraid of what's going to unfold come Monday morning. I am fearful that I'm going to fall back in line and back into the rat race. I'm afraid that I'm going to be stressed out and not take care of us anymore. I'm afraid that I'm going to get wrapped up in my job and bring all that stuff home. I'm sad that I probably will not be able to provide hot meals when they come home in the afternoon, not be able to play pretend with daughter, not have a clean house everyday, not spend time at the playground on the weekend, not run all household errands during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekend.

I am sad that I'm not going to have time any more. Maybe that was the treasure that I discovered during this period - I discovered the beauty and endless possibilities that come with time. I hope that my fears are just fears and that I don't become overwhelmed by this feeling.

So Tell Me How You Really Feel...

Yesterday I was leaving church and (of course) had to make a pit stop in the ladies' room. My church is relatively small and I pretty much know everyone, but there was an older lady in there that I hadn't seen before. She smiled and asked if this was going to be my first child and I told her that it was actually going to be my third. She was congratulatory and all the rest, and then started asking how I was feeling, etc. Anyway, somehow I ended up telling her that I worked full time and that's where the conversation went down hill...

She immediately said "OH. You work." And that's when I knew where the conversation was headed. She then went on to say "People usually get angry with me for saying this but, I don't understand why women who work have children. It doesn't make any sense that you would leave your child with a stranger. My husband and I were married 14 years, until he passed, and I am proud to say that my children never spent a day in anyone else's care." And on. And on. Of course I'm paraphrasing based on what I remember, but you get the gist. She even went on to say that she knew of a woman who had a baby and returned to work after 6 months. She told the woman "Well, what was the point of having a baby if you were going to leave her after 6 months?" She also said that "if every woman did what the Bible said and took care of the home like she is supposed to, she would not need to work."

Yup. She did.

So at this point I'm deciding whether it's worth defending my position, or if I should just be polite, smile and leave. It was odd because on the one hand I don't necessarily disagree with her. On the other hand, I wanted to explain to her that all women don't always have the luxury of not working outside of the home (not to mention those who just choose to). So I basically told her that, while she was blessed to have been able to stay home with her children, not everyone can afford to do that and that just because a woman must work doesn't mean that she should not experience the blessing of having children. I didn't want to be rude (even though I thought that she was rude), and I left it at that. She said that she would "pray for me" that one day I could stay at home with my children. I thanked her and got out of dodge.

Sheesh. Next time I'll just hold it until I get home.

Scene and Heard

SCENE:
Our house. 7:00pm.

Hubby has just finished giving Chatterbox her bath and she runs into the kitchen in her birthday suit.

HEARD:
Me: "Ummm...What are you doing?"

Chatterbox: "Walkin' in prosperity."

Me: Falling out laughing.

Nice to know all of my harried trips to church with two toddlers in tow haven't been in vain!

Hallelujah.

Are You Ready?

By now you've surely heard of the incredible love offering that our corner of Bloggityville gave to Heather. If you haven't heard, Heather was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few weeks ago and is undergoing surgery tomorrow at the Mayo Clinic. As of last Friday, "we" raised almost $18,000 to help Heather and her family in this particular time of need! Amazing. Heather is just so thankful and continues to be so faithful and so strong for her husband and her kids even during this uncertain time. But let me get to the point. The monetary donations are surely a blessing, but there is only so much that money can do. It's very simple, really. SHE.NEEDS.YOUR.PRAYERS. So please pray for and think of Heather tomorrow. Pretty please.

Oh, one more thing. Kelli at Living In Grace has set up a prayer chain so that Heather and her family will be covered with prayer every hour for a whole week. How awesome is that?

This bloggity thing never ceases to amaze.

I Never Thought I'd See the Day When a Show on MTV Would Make Me Cry...

Did anybody watch the season premiere of "Run's House"? I just loved that show's first season. When I heard last year that Run & Justine's baby died at birth I was devastated. Watching their close-knit, fun-loving family during the first season made it feel like you "knew" them. I didn't think they would continue with the show because of what happened...but they did. And this first episode of the new season shows right before, and right after, Justine gave birth. So sad. But they way they handled the tragedy is so heartwarming. So if you get a chance to see a re-run (no pun intended), watch it! Actually, I think you can watch it online too.


And now back to the mindless drivel MTV calls original programming.


'Ta.

I really like this little person

I was praying this morning and thanking God so much for DD. I am so thankful that he has entrusted DH and myself to take care of this loving, adventurous, inquisitive soul. She is truly a delight. I would never have thought in a million years that I would enjoy a little person so much. Although she isn't talking as yet, she is so communicative - she knows exactly what she wants and she goes for it. She extremely funny too! Anyway, I guess I woke up this morning thinking about her as a person and I realize that I really like her and I am extremely blessed to have her in my life (I'm sure DH echoes my sentiments).

It's Bloggity Book Club Day!

Robin and BooMama had the genius idea of starting a Bloggity Book Club. The first selection was "Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk About God's Deliverance" by Beth Moore.

This was my first Beth Moore book and I was curious to see what it was like since she has so many fans. And...I liked it. Well, let me first say that I haven't actually finished reading the entire book -- you know how it is -- but I fully plan to. The book is a down-to-earth, easy-to-read, practical guide to identifying whether you're stuck in a pit (and there all kinds) and it gives you the steps to get out. Imagine that! For only $13.85 you can get "un-stuck." Now that's a bargain if I ever saw one :-)

So, just in case you might not think you're in a pit, according to the book, you know you're in a pit when...

• You feel stuck
• You can't stand up (figuratively)
• You've lost vision

Before I started reading the book, I already had a sneaking suspicion that I might be in a pit of sorts. But, when I got to Chapter 2: "When You're Thrown Into a Pit," I started to think that this book wasn't for me because I didn't have anything especially horrific or traumatic happen to me to throw me into a pit. And then, I started feeling guilty, like "Fergie, you're not really in a pit. Listen to what some other people are going through. You just need to stop complaining. In fact, you are blessed!" Then, came Chapter 3: "When You Slip Into a Pit," and right then and there, I knew that Beth was talking to me. This chapter shows you how you can just slip into a pit -- this happens when we put ourselves into a pit even though we didn't mean to.

The book is filled with lots of poignant points (and I'm only halfway through) But I'd thought I'd share some of my favorites thus far so that you'd get a feel for Beth's writing style and her words of wisdom:

• "No matter where we go, a pit can always fit...The scenery around us may have changed, but we're still living in that same old pit. We start scrambling to figure out how we're going to dump an unpleasant person or position when the real solution may be to dump that pit we dragged in."
  


• "...when Satan bartends, he prefers to serve mixed drinks. You know what I mean. Cocktails of troubles. Take them one at a time and you can keep walking straight. Mixed all together, they can send you reeling."
  


• "Among other things, I had to admit my limitations and give up something I dearly love. I had to relinquish a class I taught for 22 years. I'd still like to be bitter about it, but I'm too scared of God. He's trying to help me out, and if I don't let Him, I'm liable to work myself into an early grave."

And, most importantly,

• "You can get out...But here's the catch: you can't get yourself out."

I'm looking forward to fininshing the book and to trying Beth's "3-Steps Out of Your Pit." I must say that this probably isn't a book that I would have picked up and read on my own, but I'm glad that I did. All in all, an easy read, an entertaining read and an enlightening read.

To see what others reactions to the book were, visit Robin's Little Bits of Life for more reviews!

A Must-Read...

If you can manage to steal a few moments for yourself this weekend, grab a cup of tea, a container of Pringles, or whatever makes you happy and settle in to read about Jen & Ryland's love story. It's the stuff dreams are made of! Well, maybe not dreams. But definitely movies.

No.Time.To.Blog.

It's one of those weeks. I'm uber-busy so I haven't had time to post as I would like to. But, while you're patiently waiting to read one of my pointless rants invaluable pearls of wisdom, please visit:

1) SheLives for a fantastic post on The Secrets to a Successful Marriage. You won't be sorry!

and...

2) Rocks In My Dryer for helpful pieces of relationship advice in honor of Valentine's Day.


I'll be back soon to tell you all about how the whole house freaked out the other day when Oldest was defiantly jumping on her bed like a maniac and accidentally fell into her laundry hamper headfirst and got stuck, kicking and screaming. Promise.

Thankful Thursday

Another new meme! Courtesy of Sting My Heart...

It's been a rough week all around. The traffic during my long commute sucked on the daily. The girls keep waking up during the night. Work was on my last nerve on Tuesday. The voice in my head that's been saying "I want to work part-time or stay home" has been getting louder and louder and making it hard to get through each day with a positive attitude. SO. I thought I'd try to think about what I am thankful for this week. Because goodness knows, I am blessed. And as my friend Nat tells me, I need to find JOY in every little corner (right J. Ny?) Here we go:

• I'm thankful that my girls are finally over their colds! Ooooweee am I thankful for that.
  
• I'm thankful for their daycare teacher, "Nini". She's sooo wonderful. She really treats the girls as if they were her own. I couldn't imagine having to worry about them while I'm at work. Today she's doing Oldest's hair!
  
• I'm thankful that my mom returned back from Montreal safely on Monday.
  
• I'm thankful that I haven't had to cook dinner from scratch this week. Woo hoo!
  
• I'm thankful that I have tomorrow off!
  
• I'm thankful that my "little" sister is turning 27 this weekend! Agh! That makes me archaic. Happy Birthday Pizzeria!

What are you thankful for this week?

A 4:30pm Pick Me Up...

Thanks, SIL, for sharing this with me today!

[And make sure that you read my update to Monday's post -- it might be just what you need to hear!]

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth
tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and
helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care
of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for
you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to
understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet
words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your
angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will
teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking
its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will
teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always
be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from
Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I
am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, "You will simply call her, "Mom."

*UPDATED* MamaLaw #9 - Give Back

Now of course the golden rule is one of the fundamental principles that we all should be following, regardless of whether we are mothers or not and in every context of our lives, not just parenting. But I thought it would make a good MamaLaw because of our responsibility to teach our children to be nice people [I hear some do still exist!] and as part of that, to be active social citizens. As I get older, I am realizing how important personal relationships, moral character and community involvement are to my life, my children's futures and our society as a whole. 2007 is just beginning and we should all take the time to think about how we are going to incorporate this principle into our resolutions for the year. Lest my post become too heavy [perish the thought!], I will wrap up by telling you about the MLK Day Initiative. It's an inititative by the federal government to make MLK Day a day of service, and the website allows you to search for a community service project by state. They even have several family-friendly service projects that you and your kids can take part in. This sounds like a fun and easy way to give back to the community and a great opportunity to teach your own children the importance of community service. I've already signed us up!

Toodles!

So Nat and I went to volunteer at the Community for Creative Non-Violence yesterday. It was a great experience, not only to participate in the MLK Day Initiative, but to learn about the important history of the center which houses over 1,300 homeless men and women in DC. The center also has a domestic violence shelter, a drug and alcohol rehab program, a food program, a clothing program and a job program. You know what's funny? All we were asked to do was to chat with some of the men recovering in the infirmary. Most, if not all, don't have family and were very happy to have a visitor to talk to. And so, a simple conversation brightened someone's day. How easy was that? Makes you think...Hope you had a good King Day.

It's Going On My Wall...

I came across this poem while searching for a printable weekly menu planner and thought I'd share:

Thank God for Dirty Dishes

-- author unknown

Thank God for Dirty Dishes,
They have a tale to tell.
While others are going hungry,
We're eating very well.
With home and health and happiness,
I shouldn't want to fuss.
For by this stack of evidence,
God's very good to us

Puts things in perspective, doesn't it!

Petition for reconsideration

Earlier this month I posted a comment about the in-laws and Christmas and I expressed how bothered I was feeling by the fact that they wanted us to go up there (AGAIN) and spend Christmas with them. I really wanted to stay at home so "my" family (i.e. DH &DD) could spend it together and so DD could enjoy waking up in her own bed and coming down to open all her presents. Anyway, I said nothing and have done nothing about the situation and simply had faith that it would all work itself out.

So yesterday, DH said "I think we should spend Christmas here and leave for the in-laws later on Christmas Day so DD could wake up in her bed and we could have Christmas breakfast together." I was stunned. It took everything in me not to say "that's exactly what I was thinking and wanting." I was so thrilled that he felt this way and even more excited that he's finally getting that we're "his family" now and that he needs to put us first. Nothing against the relatives, but for many, many years they have seemed to forget that he's got his own family (even before DD arrived) and that they need to respect the sanctity of our relationship. And for an equal amount of time, I've been trying to get DH to understand the same. He treats his family as our family and it's just not the same.

Anyway...all this to say that with faith things work out the way you want it. Maybe not in your time, but in His time. So, keep the faith (and sometimes it may be best to keep the mouth shut too because had I suggested this and finally shared my thoughts/feelings, I would have been villified).

Cross Examination...

I hate to sound all "Sunday morning television" and whatnot, but I read this article in Essence last night about finding your life's purpose. They had the following exercise for readers to complete to uncover clues to what your true life's purpose is. I thought it might be interesting to pass on. [Note: Don't ponder too hard - the first answers that come to you are probably the most truthful.] Here it is:

"I can't imagine life without ____________. When I'm spending time _______, hours pass and I don't even notice. It saddens me to know that so many people don't have __________, but what gives me hope is knowing that each of us has the power to ____________. Sometimes the effort it takes to ____________ is exhausting, but what keeps me going is the knowledge that _________. When I went through the painful experience of ____________, it just strengthened my faith in _________ and my resolve to __________. My dream is to create ___________. It's the reason I ____________ each day, and it's why I think about _____________ as I go to sleep each night. Some call it a mission. Turns out, it's my purpose."

If you figure it out and if you're up to it, please do share what your purpose is! Not sure what mine is yet...