May 07, 2009

Treasure time

You may remember that I was laid off in February and then about 1 month ago I accepted a position at my old, old job and I've just been waiting on a start date. Well, I will be starting on Monday. I'm excited to start and I know hubby is excited too although he won't actually say it.

So....why do I feel like this? I feel sooooo blue. I am excited to get back out there and make some money, but I am so afraid that I will just get right back into the flow of things and I'm even more afraid that I'm going to lose what I just found.

You see, for various reasons I don't think I've ever really been a good wife nor a good mother (see this post). I don't think I ever really embraced either role very well and I know for sure that I've never quite been able to balance them simultaneously. When hubby and I first got married, I had about a month's gap in between jobs and I was adjusting to being married. You know...that transitional period where you're not quite sure what you're doing and you're moving from that me stage to the we stage. Then, three years later I spent a year at home when daughter was born and I loved it - being able to be here to nurture and love her and have the comfort of knowing that she was safe and well cared for. However, during that entire year, I wasn't really much of a wife.

For some reason when I got laid off a couple months things were just different with me. I think I've matured as a person and wanted to try to do better for my daughter and my husband and ultimately for myself. I actually felt a sense of accomplishment taking care of them - cooking, cleaning, laundry, school related activities, involvement with hubby's job etc. I have NEVER felt that way before. I also de-stressed and did a lot of reflection and dreaming during this time as well. Another first for me. I believe I can say that I've been happy - truly happy during this time.

I sit here on Thursday almost in tears because I am honestly afraid of what's going to unfold come Monday morning. I am fearful that I'm going to fall back in line and back into the rat race. I'm afraid that I'm going to be stressed out and not take care of us anymore. I'm afraid that I'm going to get wrapped up in my job and bring all that stuff home. I'm sad that I probably will not be able to provide hot meals when they come home in the afternoon, not be able to play pretend with daughter, not have a clean house everyday, not spend time at the playground on the weekend, not run all household errands during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekend.

I am sad that I'm not going to have time any more. Maybe that was the treasure that I discovered during this period - I discovered the beauty and endless possibilities that come with time. I hope that my fears are just fears and that I don't become overwhelmed by this feeling.

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Justice Fergie said...

Ok, you brought tears to my eyes with this post. Because, honestly, this is EXACTLY how I feel. Except I'm in the opposite siutation - I KNOW the treasure that comes from having TIME to slow down and connect with your family (tho i've never actually been able to experience it) and I HATE that I don't have it. It's an awful, horrible feeling. And I wish that I could tell you that you won't feel that way come Monday, but speaking from really might.

Hang in there! And maybe you will find away to bring balance to being a good mom, good wife and a good lawyer (and if you do, holla at me)

Smiling Mama said...

What a wonderfully honest post. Perhaps since you have really experienced this feeling you can implement some little changes to make sure you don't go back to your old ways. (Now, I don't know what those little changes might be, but I do know that if you really look for them and make them happen then you can do it!!!) Good luck!

Nerd Girl said...

Awwww. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and know exactly what you're going through. When I lost my job a few years ago and was unemployed for a few months, I felt like I enjoyed life a whole lot more. I was relaxed, our daughter was relaxed, I cooked, cleaned, etc., etc. But I was also quite worried about our finances and knew that we couldn't afford for me to be out of work for long. If it's not one thing - it's another, ya know?

I don't know if teaching interests you, but I know there are a growing number of women who teach a number of online courses as their full-time jobs, doing most of their work once the kiddos are settled in for the night. I am working on another master's in the hopes of being able to supplement my income with online teaching and possibly kissing the 9-5 goodbye. Just a thought.

I hope that you are able to find a balance that works for you.

Justice Ny said...

Thanks guys for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

Alicia said...

WOW thanks for being just bare with your readers. I completely understand what you are going through. How do we truly find the balance of being able to do it all while being working mothers? I believe it is a journey that each of us has to find our own way through. But be smart and share our hints and tips. I always feel as if there is just not enough time, 2 boys and a man at home, how do I take care of everyone,everything?

The Crock Pot is my friend, freezing meals is great, and just trying out new things that will fit our household.

Congrats on returning back to work, you will find your perfect balance, be fulfilled and able to do everything. We are after all SuperWomen! Yes we are!!! *sing with me now*

Tara said...

It's amazing how much we (moms) worry and stress.

I don't have much to say except you will figure it out. Approach Monday with a sense of calm and confidence. You will figure it out. That's my mama motto. I repeat that to myself whenever I feel overwhelmed or unsure. You will figure it out. :)

Ms. Latina said...

As Mommys it doesn't matter what side we are on, whether going back to work or yearning to be at home, we always tend to miss the other side. Its sad because we are raised that we should have it "all" but I have found that in having it all you lose. Something is always going to fall to the wayside, you just have to figure out whats most important for you. As a single Mom, I have learned that I can't have a clean home, climb the corporate ladder,spend time with my children and get me time all at the same time. Its impossible! I had to let something go. I let go of the clean home. Dust bunnies are welcome! I rather spend that time playing scrabble, tag or going out with my sons. I also can't be the corporate "star" I want to be and have me time, which means that I had to call a truce and learn that what matters most when you were younger isn't as important as you get older and wiser. You will also, I am sure of that. This time has made you re-analyze your life and that in the end will help you make decisions that you can live with. Ultimately, change can be daunting but we are resilient, we adapt and when you go back to work you will adapt and incorporate your new found wisdom to make it work for you. You will be able to do more by doing less...and your family and you will be happier for it! Wishing you ALL the best in your new job, much love and even more laughter with your family! I know I've learned that in the end, all we do, all we seek means nothing without our family, without our loved ones to share it with.

Momaroma said...

Don't even know where to begin with this one - it is so heartfelt and expresses the feelings that all working moms have - that we are jills of all trades but mistresses of none. I think a huge part of alleviating your guilt is acknowledging and accepting that the thought of what your life should like like is different from the reality - so start embracing the reality of life as a working mom and really focus on and treasure the moments that you and your family have together. I've experienced so many of the same emotions - not working, working part-time, working full-time and I can truly say now I just focus on maximizing the time that I do have with my family. The time that you spend at work is ultimately for their benefit also, so try to look at it as a gift to them. Hang in there chica - you're a wonderful mom!

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