I Gave Up

I'm still fairly out of sorts from being overwhelmed lately. And life doesn't seem to be easing up! Over the weekend I ended up in urgent care after experiencing terrible pain; I was prescribed antibiotics and am feeling a bit better. After pushing through the Sunday Dash, I woke up this morning, made it through the Morning Madness and was walking out the door, only to discover that the car keys were nowhere to be found. You might recall that we carpool. Hubby had left for work really early to make a morning meeting. He took the bus, and left his car for me, but he took one set of keys with him. (The spare, I suspect, he has too although he denies it.) The nanny had already left with my car to take the girls to school, so I was all dressed up, late - after tearing the house apart looking for the keys, and stuck. Feeling the meltdown coming on, I took a deep breath and...gave up.

Changed into my jeans and sweater, logged on to tell the office I would be working from home, and parked it on the couch.

Now I know it's not a huge deal and you're probably thinking "get it together, woman." But it just seems like it one thing after another. What scares me is my reaction to the little mishaps; these days I constantly feel like I am going to fall apart. It's so not like me at all. What's wrong with me?

I'm Not Failing as a Mother or Wife

Have any of you ever felt like your home life was out of control, or is it just me?

I have this weight on my shoulders lately that just seems to get heavier and heavier. I don't know what it is. Is it hormones, is it stress, WHAT IS IT? I can't shake it. Lately I've been in a funk and feel like my home life is out of control. And by home life, I mean my children, the house, and all the things that go along with keeping a house/raising children. Remember Ny's post last week where she described trepidation about having to return to work? She described feeling a sense of calmness since she's been able to focus on family first rather than her job, all thanks to her layoff from a job that was very stressful. I totally understood what she meant. When the home life is good it seems that everything else just falls into place.

I know I'm overreacting but this stupid guilt is weighing heavy on my heart. My two boys are constantly fighting and therefore, I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my kids. Hubby and I seem to only have enough time to keep the family/common areas of the house clean, therefore I don't even want to walk into any of the bedrooms or bathrooms. I remember one night a few weeks ago, our neighbor came to get her son who is now Oldest's BFF. When she walked in, the dog started barking like crazy, Little "B" was in the middle of a having a fit and crying, and the house was a mess. The whole time I had this fake look on my face like "Yeah, I have this all under control." She came, saw the madness, quickly got her son, and ran the hell out of Dodge.

I wanted to die of embarrassment. Her house is always spotless. Meanwhile, I prefer to use the guest bathroom in my house because it seems like that's the only one safe to use. (Boys)

I won't go on and complain about how laundry is everywhere, how my garage is full of stuff I need to mail or take to Goodwill that was packed up weeks ago. I won't because complaining and feeling overwhelmed is for the weak.

Instead of worrying about how I'm setting a poor example for my kids each time I yell at them to stop fighting, or clean their rooms while mine is a mess, I'm going to finish reading all those books I bought last summer on raising good kids so you don't have to yell and I'm going to shut up and put up. All this complaining is getting me nowhere.

I am not one to feel pity for myself because my life is "so hard." I know plenty of women that have it much harder than I do. Feeling pity is for the weak. I didn't go to law school because I'm weak. I didn't have a baby, get my best grades, graduate from law school, pass the bar, and start my first job all in one year because I'm a wimp. Nope, not me.

It's time to tighten up my laces and pick up where I left off in this marathon of life because I'm really just getting started. School will be out in less than two weeks so I better have it all together by then. I try to make sure my kids have great summers so I need to stop feeling like grouchy mama and start acting like super mama.