Reasonable Doubt

(This post was originally posted on 11/30/06. In a cheap way to avoid having to draft a whole new post, I'm just updating this one. Read below for the latest.)

I never thought I would say it, but nursing seems to have a lot of pitfalls. I nursed all three- well still nursing #3 actually, and I do believe that "breast is best" but... there seems to be sound reasoning behind the occasional, if not more frequent, use of formula to provide baby some supplemental feedings every now and again. Nursing is just really hard and Mama needs a break after 6 + months. I'm not ready to throw in the towel to the whole concept, I just think that breastfeeding can be extremely difficult, time consuming and sometimes, hard on your health.

First, we all know, the first few weeks are traumatic for mother and baby. I can only think of one case in where it was a totally beautiful, stress free, pain free experience for both mother and baby(J. Smith). Every other woman I know has had some sort of drama and trauma when it comes to it. If it's not the first few weeks, then it happens at some point during the process. For example, my cousin who has a 5 month old, nurses 24/7. Her baby "refuses" the bottle, so she's her only source of food. During months 2-4, that nursing mama suffered from thrush for almost two months straight. Luckily, her baby never had a full blown outbreak. But, as some of you may know, it can cause extreme pain or discomfort in the mother. I know since I've had it with all three babies at some point or time and believe me, it's no fun. We're talking sensitive nipples, painful letdown, and full blown pain- much like the first few days of nursing. She would cry and nurse at the same time. How is that supposed to be a beautiful/bonding experience for mother/daughter?

On Monday, I was diagnosed with "acute mastisis of the right breast." Translation, you feel like your dying but really, it's just a clogged/infected milk gland, that if it goes untreated, will require immediate surgery. I hadn't felt that bad since I had Congestive Heart Failure. Anyhow, after reevaluating the whole situation, I'm proud to have breastfeed all three of my babies, but I can't help but think, how much easier my life would have been if I just gave them formula. And to make this even a little bit more interesting, my oldest baby who I supplemented with formula much earlier than my other babies, is my smartest and healthiest of the bunch. My youngest on the other hand, who never has had formula (except for the half ounce the nurses tried to give him while we were in the hospital since they claimed my milk was not yet in - another issue on it's own) has the sniffles on a weekly basis. So what gives?? Has my exclusive breastfeeding for 7.5 months been in vain? Should I just supplement now, or what? I'm starting to have doubt.

Update: Hip, hip, hooray!! I made it to 12 months. This was my goal, and I am so proud of myself, despite the pitfalls and struggles. Since I worked part-time, for the most part, it was much easier to maintain my supply. But I'm still proud of myself. At one point I thought I was done, so I tried to introduce formula again. My mom got him to take it a few times. Then I had a freezer of pumped milk. So I stopped the formula. Anyhow, now there's a new issue, of course. It's getting "B" on board with my weaning plan, for the most part. Here's the problem.

Four weeks ago, Little "B," aka Baby Brother, started day care. The first two weeks he was on a hunger strike. He refused the bottle and any solid foods. This had me very nervous and on edge the entire time. I called the pediatrician a couple of times. She assured me he would make it, without IVs. "Give it time. But he's a stubborn one!" is what she'd say. Seeing as how he was only two weeks away from turning one, (his birthday was Thursday), I figured he would adjust fine in day care after he got used it. Not. Four weeks later, he eats, but not so much better. Just enough it seems. Some days he'll eat decently. Others, his infant gram (daily log of bottles, naps and poops) is full of "refused lunch" "refused bottle" "refused sippy cup." Usually on Mondays and Tuesdays. When we start the whole traumatic thing again. Anyhow, at his 12 month well child he dropped weight. Not good, I'm not happy.

Prior to day care, he was doing just fine with solids. In fact, he was eating mostly table food and would have a bottle or nurse three times a day. During the hunger strike, as soon as I picked him up from day care, it was a nurse'a'thon. I'm sure it was part starvation, part need for comfort. Even at home, he would not eat solids well. It was very frustrating.

Even though he eats better, he has not taken a bottle since mid-march. He will not take milk any other way except from yours truly. Not even from a sippy cup. So now if I stop nursing, he will not get any milk. That's not good. A growing baby needs milk! Yes, I can give him yogurt, and that's his favorite thing to eat at day care, but he needs milk, and a balanced diet. Yogurt is not balanced. Then my pediatrician tells me how hard it is to break an older infant from their habits/routines. I knew this, but just didn't think I would be in this boat. I nurse only in the AM and at night. Okay, sometimes during the day. But only after nearly having my shirt ripped off by the child, and him screaming and having a meltdown. This was not the plan. I suppose I don't mind, for now. But I would love to just give him a nice warm bottle of whole milk and call it a day. At least I stopped pumping some time back. That helped, greatly.

My point is, your damned if you do, damned if you don't. Believe me, I'm grateful, but geeze.