February 06, 2010

RHOC - Who do you talk to about your marriage

Vicki and Simon’s conflict was the focus of this week’s episode and it is an important and pressing issue that I often struggle with. Who do I talk to about issues in my marriage and how much should I share? I have found that the line between support and intrusion/judgment is very fine and extremely risky.

During Tamra’s conversation with Vicki, Tamra said that she was “venting in confidence as a girlfriend” and didn’t expect Vicki to throw it back in Simon’s face. That statement hit the nail on the head because I think we quite often feel the need to talk with our friends or family members about our marriage’s downs, but what we miss is that we never talk about the ups. We all go through hills and valleys in our relationships and when you vent only during your time in the valley that (mis)shapes other people’s opinions of your partner and your relationship. What amplifies the situation is that by the time you and your partner are back on a high, your friends and family are still judging your relationship based on the information shared while you weren’t doing so well. Sometimes it’s easy to mend what’s going on within the relationship, but those negative feelings will linger for your family and friends. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way suggesting not to lean on friends and family for support, but just remember that you’ve got to bring them along as you climb out of the rut as well otherwise you’ll have a Vicki-Simon situation.

Tamra made this mistake and I can’t fault Vicki for trying to support her friend. All the drama is really because there is little spoken of the good things that have occurred in Tamra’s life and her marriage and all Vicki sees in Simon is that he’s the “bad guy”. In the same manner that Tamra spoke to Vicki about her marriage woes, she should have also shared with her that she and Simon were trying to mend their issues. Does Tamra owe Vicki that conversation – I think not! But I think Tamra owes her marriage that conversation.


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Anonymous said...

Nobody in that crowd really likes Vicky so I can't help but wonder why she hangs around them. Everyone's marriage is different and once doors are closed we don't know what goes on behind them. Vicki was at fault for throwing Tamara's problems right back in Simon's face. That's a friendship headed for doom.

I have listened to some of my friends come to me in confidence about problems with their spouse, but I keep it between us. I think it's up to you how much you tell. I tend to be more private, so I keep my business to myself. And after seeing Thursday's episode, I'm glad I do.

ParlinMom said...

I think that Vicki was out of line when we said anything to Simon about what Tamara said but Tamara should have checked Vicki right then and there and also explained it to Simon.

I think that as woman we tend to want to vent to a friend(s) for support but it is a VERY THIN line that can be crossed so I think that what Vicki said is key that she only talks about things that she has said or will say to Donn. But as a friend you should know that you keep what is said to you to yourself cause when they make-up (and spouses do make-up) you will be left out in the cold. Vicki just saw that for herself.

Candice said...

I think that Tamara should have been careful about what she told Vicki about her marriage. It's okay to vent sometimes but, I believe that some things should be kept between you and your spouse only.

adrienne said...

This is why I don't get too close to my husband's friend's wives. I know I can't talk to the wives about anything serious because there's only one degree separation.

I've always been careful to make sure I say more good than bad things about my husband because I don't want my friends to judge him.

I'm also careful with what I complain about too. I keep my complaints simple for example, how he puts the dishes near the sink but not actually in the sink like normal people do.

Even though this will cause a little problem in the marriage at least Tamara knows who she can trust.

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