My Aplogies, In Advance

Beth has asked her readers for help tackling some Tough Topics. Always one to lend a helping hand, I have selflessly decided to channel my inner Ghandi and give her the hard answers she so desperately needs. You, my friends, have the unfortunate task benefit of reading them. Consider it a (painful) exercise in getting to know me better.

1. How do you place the cups in your dishwasher? Directly on the prongs or in between the prongs?

I'm very systematic about this. First, I load as many things as I can in between the prongs. I like how I can get everything to fit just so. Undoubtedly though, I run out of space in the dishwasher before the sink is empty, so at this point I begin placing things directly on the prongs. It ain't pretty and it tends to make me itch, but it's only dirty dinnerware after all.

2. How do you hang your toilet paper? Hanging over or hanging under?

Hanging over. No if ands or BUTTS (sorry. sorry!) about it.

3. What are you feelings on Kanye West? Love him or leave him? (I may or may not be listening to him on my iPhone right now, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Ugh. I am so over him. And he needs to get over himself too. He continues to confuse me. I never understood what the hype was about. Newsflash Kanyeezy: It's not a good thing that you dropped out of college. It's also a little sad that you continue to wear a backpack like you're still in college. It's not too late though. There are plenty of cont. ed. programs that would take you. But then you'd have to actually accept the fact that you don't know everything and aren't better than everyone. It's called humility. Or living on Planet Earth.

4. Do you refrigerate your peanut butter or is it in your pantry?

Pantry. Though I suppose right now the best place for it is in the trash.

5. Do you refrigerate your maple syrup or is it in your pantry?

Pantry. And hubby never closes it back properly so the bottle is always sticky and makes the pantry sticky and it's not like he's gonna scrub the pantry so it's up to me to do it but who wants to scrub sticky syrup out of the pantry it's not like i don't have better things to do like answer these very important questions for Beth. Ahem.

6. Do you put your bread in the refrigerator?

Nope. Which is a huge departure from my childhood during which my mother used to freeze our bread. As a matter of fact, she still freezes her bread.

7. If you found salad dressing in your refrigerator that expired 30 days prior, would you use it or dump it?

Salad dressing expires?

8. Do you say tissue or kleenex?

Kleenex. Hubby says "tissue" and it just sounds weird. Doesn't it sound weird? It totally evokes a visual of post-nasal drip. And is it "tish-shoo" or "tis-sue"? WEIRD.

9. Finally, what are your feelings on cottage cheese? Scrumptious snack or disgusting sh*t?

Disgusting sh*t. Fo' sho. I don't even understand cottage cheese. Or rice pudding. Or tapioca pudding. Or grits. Makes me want to vomit.

Kleenex, please.