LMAO

So we're headed to Florida tomorrow night (yes, again), for a wedding. Given that we got back from Florida on Saturday, Easter was Sunday and Hubby and I have been to work Monday through today, we are in no position to go anywhere at all! Our house is in disarray. Nothing is even unpacked from last week (other than most of the kids' stuff - thank you wonderful nanny). I just got back from getting my hair done, after taking the girls to get theirs done last night - but forgot to get my eyebrows done, and forget about my nails. Oh and L'il Buddy has nothing to wear yet. I don't have much time in Florida before the wedding because I am a bridesmaid and so I have to attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and the other festivities the day before. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow, attend a morning meeting and participate in an afternoon conference call, get home on the metro, and get everyone into the car and to the airport for an 8:30pm flight. It's making me laugh just typing it. There's no way!

Firing up my laptop while watching Law and Order: SVU and munching on the last of the Disney cotton candy seemed like the best thing to do at the moment.

If I had a life coach...

Yesterday, I received an invitation to apply for an important job. Although it’s just an invitation to apply, and not an offer itself, it’s a pretty big deal that my name was thrown in the pot of possible candidates. The position could be pretty influential in terms of doing good for the community and the city and it could be a great career move for me as well. So, why am I not excited? I shared with hubby and he was very pleased and excited by the opportunity, but I’m pretty torn.

First, I’m torn because I don’t feel the same way as hubby and I don’t think I’m up for the ensuing argument. He thinks it presents a great opportunity while I don’t. He wants to see me succeed but I don’t think he’s entertaining anything less the traditional route. Second, my life’s plan was to transition out of the working-for-someone-else workforce and into the owning-my-own-business workforce by the end of the year, so I wasn’t even thinking about exploring new opportunities. Third, as I encounter more and more issues with princess and we embark on her school career, I feel like more parental involvement is needed, not less, and I think this position will be all-consuming. Last, with all the many things going on in my life, I feel like transitioning to a new job is NOT what I should be doing right now.

Yet, it is a great opportunity and I believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't want to regret passing on the opportunity. I don't know what to do. I feel pretty conflicted and I wish my life coach would help me figure it out - that is, if I had one!

I Gave Up

I'm still fairly out of sorts from being overwhelmed lately. And life doesn't seem to be easing up! Over the weekend I ended up in urgent care after experiencing terrible pain; I was prescribed antibiotics and am feeling a bit better. After pushing through the Sunday Dash, I woke up this morning, made it through the Morning Madness and was walking out the door, only to discover that the car keys were nowhere to be found. You might recall that we carpool. Hubby had left for work really early to make a morning meeting. He took the bus, and left his car for me, but he took one set of keys with him. (The spare, I suspect, he has too although he denies it.) The nanny had already left with my car to take the girls to school, so I was all dressed up, late - after tearing the house apart looking for the keys, and stuck. Feeling the meltdown coming on, I took a deep breath and...gave up.

Changed into my jeans and sweater, logged on to tell the office I would be working from home, and parked it on the couch.

Now I know it's not a huge deal and you're probably thinking "get it together, woman." But it just seems like it one thing after another. What scares me is my reaction to the little mishaps; these days I constantly feel like I am going to fall apart. It's so not like me at all. What's wrong with me?

Overwhelmed

I am feeling very overwhelmed right about now. It seems like things are in overdrive in all aspects of my life. At work I am bogged down with 2 cases for which I am the lead. In addition, I am on a major taskforce and council that are both in overdrive at the moment. I'm so backed up that I just end up floundering around uselessly from conference call to meeting hoping to make it through the day. At home I am trying to keep my family running semi-smoothly, which is hard when I only have about 2 hours per day, along with weekends, to do it. Homework needs to be done daily, groceries need to be purchased, meals need to be made. Hair needs to be braided, doctor's appointments attended, school reading logs need to be completed, recital lines need to be rehearsed, and box tops need to be collected. Dance classes need to be attended, summer camps scheduled, wedding gifts purchased and quality time spent. Volunteer committments need to be met, fitness routines done, personal invitations honored and phone/email messages returned. With our company, there are conference calls to be had, agreements to draft, events to coordinate, a site to launch, and oh yeah, a conference to plan.

I definitely need a break. Spring break is coming up soon and for that, I am grateful. However, that trip requires lots of planning too! We are headed to Disney World and, while I know we're going to have a great time, just getting there - with the right tickets booked, the right size strollers packed, the right size car rented, and a manageable itinerary planned (complete with the right Disney character breakfasts reserved) - adds another host of things to my already overburdened To Do list.

Breathe, Fergie. Breathe.

#GIT for mommy and princess

Don't shoot me because I'm pretty sure I've written this post before, but I pause every time it happens, so I must share. I took off from work a little early today (4pm to be exact) and got princess from school. It was a completely different afternoon - one that I haven't had in a long time.

First, I didn't face much traffic trying to get out of downtown DC. Usually if I have to pick her up from school I leave the office at 5pm and rush to get to her school in time. This afternoon, was a more like driving through the city on a Saturday. There were lots of cars on the road but we weren't gridlocked. When I got to school, princess asked if we could stay a little while longer because she was in the midst of playing with play dough. And, because I got there about 4:30, I had the luxury of being able to wait with her and watch her play and watch her interact with the other kids. I had an opportunity to be in her world for a few minutes without having any pressure to be anywhere or do anything.

Then we went out for dinner (I know, I know, I should've cooked but I wanted to unwind tonight). We had dinner at a local Ledo's Pizzeria and talked a little about her day and she actually asked me about mine (although she didn't really wait for an answer I appreciated her question).

By the time we got home it was 6:30 and I couldn't believe it. On a normal day, I would have still been on my way home; not usually making it in for another 15 or 20 minutes. I was amazed that we had done so much together by 6:30.

It's 9:06 and she's in bed. Because we had time to do things together tonight I think she settled in much easier than she normally would have if I was rushing in the door at 7:00.

I appreciate our time together this afternoon and I think this smile indicates that she did too.

Princess, I promise that I'm going to get it together soon to allow us to have more days like today!

Rat race

The cleaning lady at my office told me today "You look tired" and really, I'm not! So ... I must be looking really bad. I thought for a second, here is this sweetheart of a lady who gets to work by 7 am and works a full shift on her feet all day long and then maybe goes to a second job afterward. Surely her life is much harder than mine - I work a 9-5 sitting in an office. Why do I feel and look this way then? Probably because I've had it with this freaking rat race. I thought I saw an exit strategy a few months ago, but now I wonder. It doesn't seem to be as clear as it seemed then and I'm just tired. I feel like I no longer have the stamina to do 9-5 and then come home and work on everything MMG, Blogalicious, B-Link, My Blogalicious. When is the rat race going to end? When am I going to be able to do something that I actually love?

Addendum: I know I'm b!tching and I don't mean to whine, but I'm pretty frustrated by what seems to be lack of control of my life. Today is payday, so I was reminded why I have to keep my day job; but on the other hand, why am I rushing my child to bed at night, after only spending about 2 hours with her, so that I can get back to work? I feel like there's just so much to do and so little time and that this 9-5 is kinda getting in the way. It's time to go out on our own! If you've made that leap, please share how you did it.

The Week When Time Stood Still

Those of us living in the DC area received a little gift from Mother Nature called Snowmaggedon 2010. I say gift because, unless you were in one of the areas that experienced power outages - and I feel for those who were, you probably got several unexpected days off from work and your kids got several days off from school. In total, most DMV residents got about 10 days off! For a period of about 4 days, everything was shut down. While some people grumbled about it, I loved it. Once I got back home from being stranded in Nashville a day longer than planned, I was happy as a lark. No commuting an hour back and forth to work in the freezing temps, trekking to and from the metro. No going into the office working on some project that I really could care less about. No rushing home in the evenings, exhausted and slapping together a quick dinner before herding the masses off to bed. None of it! Just a leisurely week of downtime, laughter, and quality time with my family.

We painted a ceramic caterpillar piggy bank; we made a bread pudding just for Dad; we played "bowling" in the family room; we made stuffed friends at Build-a-Bear; we went out for lunch; we made a chocolate ice cream "Mud Pie;" we made candy bead necklaces; we watched movies; we even did "school" one day. It was great.

I think what I appreciated most was the lack of time constraints. The rushing that my day-to-day life involves really wears on my soul. We had no deadlines, no worries of being late anywhere, no real need to adhere to a strict bedtime. For a whole week, time stood still.

And now I'm late again.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard

I give up. Call me weak. Call me a failure. Call me what you want, but don't call me crazy. I know, I know that signing your daughters up for dance classes should not be this hard. I have spent, collectively, at least 5 hours researching, calling and pulling out my hair trying to find a reasonable extracurricular activity for my girls.

Apparent Hurdle No. 1:
The classes need to be on the weekend. I work during the week. Sue me! I swear when I call and talk to these people, they make me feel like I am committing a crime by not being available to drive my 3 year-old to Twirly Twos class at 10am on a Tuesday. Is it so unfathomable that in 2010 a mother actually goes to work?

Apparent Hurdle No. 2:
The classes need to be around the same time. This is one of those rare situations when having twins would be so much easier. I have 2 daughters that are, GASP!, 2 different ages. And so they most likely need to be in 2 separate classes based on their age. Is it so unreasonable not to want to make the trip to the same place twice in one day? Or one 2 different days? I'm willing to hang around and wait an hour, but more than that is tough. I'll have whichever child not dancing at the moment staring through the glass watching her sibling twirl and tap away and getting cranky and miserable. But that's manageable as long as her class is coming up soon. If I have to drive one for a 9am class and the other for a 3pm class, well, in addition to the 'afternooner' being upset, I'll have spent my entire Saturday driving to and fro from the dance studio. No thanks.

Apparent Hurdle No. 3:
I need to be independently wealthy. "Independent" so I can make the mid-week class and just generally "wealthy" so I can afford to PAY for these doggone classes. The average going rate is about $150 - $200 for an 8-week class. Multiply that by 2 and you've got $400 for 2 children. Add in the "1-time registration fee," the cost of the shoes and whathaveyou and you're looking at about $500 or so for a once-a-week class for 2 months. Sheesh. And forget The Little Gym. Honey, that came to over $900 for the 20-week seesion. Yes, it's 20 classes. But still, who has $900+ to drop on a preschool gymnastics class? And YES you CAN pay in installments, but that'll cost ya. One ballet studio was going to charge $730 for Chatterbox to take ballet because she will be 6 this year and would be required to take their formal Ballet Studio Curriculum. Can't she just dance? I've already put down my deposit for what will be a $976 2-week summer camp for them, and that was painful enough.

And so, I give up. It looks like our weekends this Spring will not involve organized activities. It will be up to mama to come up with something fun for them to do.

In the meantime, I'm looking into opening up my own kids' classes studio. I'll make out like bandit!

Work, Life and You!

On Thursday, February 4, at 1:00 PM EST, your truly will be participating in the Fem 2.0 Work/Life in Our Communities Blog Radio Series: Wake Up, This Is the Reality! The topic of Thursday's show is "Work/Life and African-American Families." A perfect fit, don't ya think? Seeing as how I spend all of my days blogging about my work/life juggling act! Shireen Mitchell (aka DigitalSista) of My Tech Swirl will be the host, and I will be sharing the microphone with Avis Jones-DeWeever, Director of Research & Policy, Center for African-American Women, National Council of Negro Women.

Yes, I am a little bit nervous.

I'm hoping to bring the perspective of an African-American woman who is waist-deep in the trenches of motherhood and in the daily struggle of balancing career, family and home.

"Fem2.0’s campaign, Wake Up, This Is the Reality!, aims to change the way our society talks about work, to shift the story away from privileged "balance" and corporate perspectives to one that reflects the reality on the ground for millions of Americans and American families. We need this shift if we want policy makers to know how tough it is out here and move them to act on legislation around such issues as paid sick days, healthcare, child and elder care, equal pay, etc.

To achieve this shift, we must be many and we must be LOUD."

I would love to use this opportunity to discuss some of the concerns, challenges, ideas and solutions that real women have. Please leave me a comment or send me an email if you want to share your thoughts and experiences on the topic.

In the meantime, be sure to tune in each day this week as Fem 2.0 spotlights the work/life experiences of Latinos, Seniors and Military. They are also hosting a blog carnival that you can participate in.

We need your voice!

Stay Near Home Mom

I'm guessing it's because I've been away from home a lot in the past few months, but my girls are now asking me to stay home on a daily basis. It's unusual because they generally don't pay hubby or I any mind if one of us comes or goes, but lately, they get upset if I even leave to get my hair done. And mama needs to get her hair done. In the past couple of months I've been to Pittsburgh, Dallas, Bethany Beach, New York, Atlanta, and Los Angeles. So I totally know why they keep asking why Mommy always has to go to "meetings." Along with everything else, balancing the travel aspect of my career and professional pursuits is becoming increasingly difficult. Of course, they're totally fine when I'm gone...it's just that I miss them. Terribly. And apparently they miss me too. Hubby and I are gearing up to go away for Thanksgiving since we never get to go away together. I'm already starting to feel a twinge of guilt about that.

Every.single.morning they ask me why I have to go to work. They plead with me to stay home. Try having your heart broken each weekday morning on your way to the metro. It sucks. Big time. I explain that I need to work to earn money so that we can pay for things like groceries and Hannah Montana boots. So, over the weekend Chatterbox came up with her own solution: "You can work at my school, Mommy! You can help Miss D. cut paper frogs."

Oh how I wish I could.

Wahhh, Wahhh, Wahhh - Mom's Whining Again

Tomorrow Chatterbox goes to her last activity of the summer before school starts - daycamp. She's so excited about it and I am too. After all, this is her first day camp and her first activity without Giggles. The campers have to be 4 and older, so Giggles has to sit this one out (and she will happily, I'm sure), but Chatterbox is bouncing off the walls and is itching to do something fun and stimulating, so this super duper daycamp should be perfect. So why am I whining (again)?

Because I want to take her to camp! And pick her up. And see her run off to join her group. And hear about her day. But, of course I can't because I have to go to WORK as freakin' usual, and it pisses me off. I mean, sure it's not her prom or anything, but it's the little moments like these that make life special. What's more is that I know I'm going to feel exactly the same way when she starts Kindergarten in a couple of weeks. I want to be able to take her every day and chat with her teacher and the other parents and see her classroom and learn who her friends are. Sure I can take off a day of work for the first day of school, and I will, but it's not the same. And even for camp tomorrow I've been wracking my brain to find a way for me to drop her at camp in the opposite direction of where I catch the train to work, use the car that the nanny will have to use to pick her up from camp, drop the Authorized Pickup Person card to the nanny, and make it to work before dusk. Basically, it will be impossible without causing big drama.

And so Mom's whining. Again. Will something ever give?

Dashing

No matter what I do or how hard I try, every Sunday night it's a mad dash to get all the household stuff done on my ever-growing list. Inevitably, I am either washing clothes, folding, vacuuming or some other extremely mundane, but necessary task. One of two things has to occur: either I hire some help or weekends change from two to three days. It appears however that the likelihood of either of these things happening is as high as me relaxing on Sunday night - great!

Another Working Mom Bites the Dust....?

Hopefully by now everyone has heard that Gov. Sarah Palin has decided to resign as Governor of Alaska. Taking over at the end of this month will be Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell. News reports state that her decision was made after she decided not to run for re-election and motivated in part by a "higher calling." What that higher calling is, who knows, maybe hopes for a higher office in 2012?

Whatever her decision, she made a reference to some mean spirited comments made about her youngest son, Trig. Why any person would make mean comments about any child, especially one with down syndrome, is beyond me and appalling. But here is my question. Would a father resign from the highest political office in his state and site mean spirited comments towards his child as part of his reason? Even if it's a tiny part? I think not. Is this a decision that only a working mom would use? I think yes.

Palin's story makes me question whether a woman can be accomplished in her career and a happy parent all at the same time? Regardless of your career, whether it's an attorney making partner at the firm, teacher turned principal, real estate agent turning broker, it seems like once you move up your career ladder, the consequences it has on your family are great. As a result, many women seem to retire or step back from her high demanding job.

Is this always the case for working moms, or is it just sometimes the case? What do you think?

Work Release Program

In an unexpected turn of events, last week I stayed home from work for 3 days! The nanny's car was having issues and needed to go to the shop. Seeing as how Hubby just started his new job and couldn't take any leave, and considering the fact that we have NO grandparents in town to call on in emergencies, I ended up playing stay-at-home mommy. And it was great. We went to the park; had a picnic on the front lawn; ran errands in a leisurely fashion instead of my usual weekend kamikaze missions; took care of 2 doctor's appointments; hung out with friends while splashing through the fountain and dancing with Gymboree; treated ourselves to a pizza parlor lunch; and I even got through several projects that had been on my "When I Have Time" list. As you can imagine, by Thursday morning neither the kids nor I were excited that the nanny's car was fixed and I could return to work. It was a total bummer. Sure, taking care of three little people and the house all day was a lot of work, but it was such a relief to be able to do things at my own pace...and to steal kisses from my brood whenever I felt like it.

The Secret

I can't take it anymore. If one more person says to me: "I just don't know how you do it!" I am going to lose it. Lose. It. I think I've mentioned that I hear this comment at least once a week and it drives me absolutely insane. At this point, hearing that phrase is not a compliment, but a major annoyance. Here's why:

I DO "IT" BECAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE.

We can't afford for me to stay home. We can't even really afford for me to work part-time. The best I could do was leave the private sector and work for the government to reduce my hours. So I work full-time with three small children because I must. If I could quit, I would do it in a heartbeat. Seriously. I've been lobbying to go part-time for years now and it ain't happening. The well-meaning "Can I Afford to be a Stay-At-Home Mom" calculators don't apply to me. Trust me, I've read 'em all. And so, I work.

And because I work, I try my darndest to make sure my kids aren't shortchanged by not having mom around all day. So, yes, I do crafts when I get home, I help with homework, I make dinner every night, I play outside, go to the library, to the park, dance classes, you name it. On the weekends we spend every waking hour doing family stuff together. Yes, it's exhausting to do my best at work and when I get home, but it's what life is demanding of me and so, I do it.

Yes, I blog. Yes, I participate in the fun stuff that comes along with blogging. Yes, I belong to a mother's group. Yes, I am planning a conference with Jonesie and Ny. I do all of this stuff because it's an outlet for me. They are things that I enjoy and they keep life interesting.

No, I don't sleep nearly as much as I should. And no, my hair and nails definitely aren't done anywhere as often as I'd like them to be. I just recently started making my fitness and health a priority, but even that is hard to find the time to do. Yes, I cry. I get headaches. I get stressed. But what mother doesn't? And yes, if I could do it all over again, I would make some different choices and perhaps things would be different now. But it is what it is. So please, I'm begging you - don't ask me how I do it. I'm liable to fall apart at the seams if you do. Because I'm barely doing it as it is...and it's not because I'm a supermom. It's just because I have to.

Crazy, not sexy, not cool!

A funny/crazy conversation on Saturday night:

Hubby: So are you ready?

Me: Ready for what?

Hubby: Another one?

Me: Another what? (quite confused)

Hubby: Another baby?

Me: Are you crazy? (In retrospect, not how I should have answered) No...I thought we decided (together) that we were just fine with one.

Hubby: Well yes, but she's getting so big. She's not a baby any more.

Me: I know. And another one will also grow up really fast and not be a baby any more. So, let's just forge ahead with this one. She's got enough personality for us to handle!

Is he nuts? He must be joking - right? First of all, springing this on me in such a nonchalant manner. And secondly, we've already decided...we've talked about this and decided that one was just right.

I really don't think I can have another baby. It sounds really selfish of me (I know) but I honestly cannot handle another one. I'm having such a hard time balancing this act and there's only hubby and baby, I can't imagine adding another baby to the mix.

He must have been joking - or has he lost it?

Bubble lady

As you know I returned to work on Monday after being off for 2 months. So far, it's okay - the biggest issue that I am dealing with is not being at home when hubby and daughter get home in the afternoon. In fact, it appears like I'll be the last to get home all the time because I work until 6pm (but that's another post).

Anyhoo, I'm sick now - I know...what are the chances, right? It appears that I've been the bubble lady for the past two months and was insulated from the rest of the world. I am positive that I picked up some sort of virus on MONDAY while riding the bus - swine flu...hmmmm maybe!!! All the more reason for me to return home and do what I've been doing - right?

I'm Not Failing as a Mother or Wife

Have any of you ever felt like your home life was out of control, or is it just me?

I have this weight on my shoulders lately that just seems to get heavier and heavier. I don't know what it is. Is it hormones, is it stress, WHAT IS IT? I can't shake it. Lately I've been in a funk and feel like my home life is out of control. And by home life, I mean my children, the house, and all the things that go along with keeping a house/raising children. Remember Ny's post last week where she described trepidation about having to return to work? She described feeling a sense of calmness since she's been able to focus on family first rather than her job, all thanks to her layoff from a job that was very stressful. I totally understood what she meant. When the home life is good it seems that everything else just falls into place.

I know I'm overreacting but this stupid guilt is weighing heavy on my heart. My two boys are constantly fighting and therefore, I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my kids. Hubby and I seem to only have enough time to keep the family/common areas of the house clean, therefore I don't even want to walk into any of the bedrooms or bathrooms. I remember one night a few weeks ago, our neighbor came to get her son who is now Oldest's BFF. When she walked in, the dog started barking like crazy, Little "B" was in the middle of a having a fit and crying, and the house was a mess. The whole time I had this fake look on my face like "Yeah, I have this all under control." She came, saw the madness, quickly got her son, and ran the hell out of Dodge.

I wanted to die of embarrassment. Her house is always spotless. Meanwhile, I prefer to use the guest bathroom in my house because it seems like that's the only one safe to use. (Boys)

I won't go on and complain about how laundry is everywhere, how my garage is full of stuff I need to mail or take to Goodwill that was packed up weeks ago. I won't because complaining and feeling overwhelmed is for the weak.

Instead of worrying about how I'm setting a poor example for my kids each time I yell at them to stop fighting, or clean their rooms while mine is a mess, I'm going to finish reading all those books I bought last summer on raising good kids so you don't have to yell and I'm going to shut up and put up. All this complaining is getting me nowhere.

I am not one to feel pity for myself because my life is "so hard." I know plenty of women that have it much harder than I do. Feeling pity is for the weak. I didn't go to law school because I'm weak. I didn't have a baby, get my best grades, graduate from law school, pass the bar, and start my first job all in one year because I'm a wimp. Nope, not me.

It's time to tighten up my laces and pick up where I left off in this marathon of life because I'm really just getting started. School will be out in less than two weeks so I better have it all together by then. I try to make sure my kids have great summers so I need to stop feeling like grouchy mama and start acting like super mama.

Treasure time

You may remember that I was laid off in February and then about 1 month ago I accepted a position at my old, old job and I've just been waiting on a start date. Well, I will be starting on Monday. I'm excited to start and I know hubby is excited too although he won't actually say it.

So....why do I feel like this? I feel sooooo blue. I am excited to get back out there and make some money, but I am so afraid that I will just get right back into the flow of things and I'm even more afraid that I'm going to lose what I just found.

You see, for various reasons I don't think I've ever really been a good wife nor a good mother (see this post). I don't think I ever really embraced either role very well and I know for sure that I've never quite been able to balance them simultaneously. When hubby and I first got married, I had about a month's gap in between jobs and I was adjusting to being married. You know...that transitional period where you're not quite sure what you're doing and you're moving from that me stage to the we stage. Then, three years later I spent a year at home when daughter was born and I loved it - being able to be here to nurture and love her and have the comfort of knowing that she was safe and well cared for. However, during that entire year, I wasn't really much of a wife.

For some reason when I got laid off a couple months things were just different with me. I think I've matured as a person and wanted to try to do better for my daughter and my husband and ultimately for myself. I actually felt a sense of accomplishment taking care of them - cooking, cleaning, laundry, school related activities, involvement with hubby's job etc. I have NEVER felt that way before. I also de-stressed and did a lot of reflection and dreaming during this time as well. Another first for me. I believe I can say that I've been happy - truly happy during this time.

I sit here on Thursday almost in tears because I am honestly afraid of what's going to unfold come Monday morning. I am fearful that I'm going to fall back in line and back into the rat race. I'm afraid that I'm going to be stressed out and not take care of us anymore. I'm afraid that I'm going to get wrapped up in my job and bring all that stuff home. I'm sad that I probably will not be able to provide hot meals when they come home in the afternoon, not be able to play pretend with daughter, not have a clean house everyday, not spend time at the playground on the weekend, not run all household errands during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekend.

I am sad that I'm not going to have time any more. Maybe that was the treasure that I discovered during this period - I discovered the beauty and endless possibilities that come with time. I hope that my fears are just fears and that I don't become overwhelmed by this feeling.

What Would You Do With A Year and $80,000?

Clearly not everyone is struggling in this crappy economy. I read an article this morning describing how some large law firms are paying would-be hires up to $80,000 for the next year to keep them happy and on standby to start work with the firms once the market picks up and the firms can afford to pay them the full-time law firm associate salary. Confused? Here's how it usually works: many law students interview with big firms during the fall of their second year for a summer internship during the summer before their third year. Based on the student's performance during that summer, most law firms will make the student an offer for employment to begin after the student graduates from law school and takes the Bar exam the following year. So, for the most part, law students go into their final year of law school with a guaranteed job and (large) salary for after they graduate. A pretty sweet deal. And one I was fortunate enough to take advantage of myself.

Well, with Wall Street in the dumps and with law firms laying off associates left and right, apparently some firms can't afford to hire this new talent, but can't afford to lose them either. So the compromise is to pay them tens of thousands of dollars to putz around for a year until the firms get their finances in order. I wonder what I would have done if given this opportunity. I might have traveled. I definitely would have gotten myself an unpaid but priceless internship at a New York City magazine. I probably would have volunteered with various organizations. The possibilites are endless.

I wish someone would come along and offer me $80k now to stay home for the next year. Now that would be a sweet deal.