If I had a life coach...

Yesterday, I received an invitation to apply for an important job. Although it’s just an invitation to apply, and not an offer itself, it’s a pretty big deal that my name was thrown in the pot of possible candidates. The position could be pretty influential in terms of doing good for the community and the city and it could be a great career move for me as well. So, why am I not excited? I shared with hubby and he was very pleased and excited by the opportunity, but I’m pretty torn.

First, I’m torn because I don’t feel the same way as hubby and I don’t think I’m up for the ensuing argument. He thinks it presents a great opportunity while I don’t. He wants to see me succeed but I don’t think he’s entertaining anything less the traditional route. Second, my life’s plan was to transition out of the working-for-someone-else workforce and into the owning-my-own-business workforce by the end of the year, so I wasn’t even thinking about exploring new opportunities. Third, as I encounter more and more issues with princess and we embark on her school career, I feel like more parental involvement is needed, not less, and I think this position will be all-consuming. Last, with all the many things going on in my life, I feel like transitioning to a new job is NOT what I should be doing right now.

Yet, it is a great opportunity and I believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't want to regret passing on the opportunity. I don't know what to do. I feel pretty conflicted and I wish my life coach would help me figure it out - that is, if I had one!

The guilt and sadness of work

It's just about 10pm on President's Day Monday night and I'm very sad thinking about going to work tomorrow (almost as sad as I was when I started working after being laid off for a couple months). We've been home for the past 11 days because of the sno-pocalypse that we just endured here in the DC region; and as much as I was tired of the snow, I quickly became very accustomed being home with my family with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Because the roads were bad and most places were closed, there wasn't the pressure of doing something. It was all about hanging out with each other, watching tv and talking. Both hubby and I actually worked a lot from home, but with the ease of not having to go out there and face the stress of everyday life. I realized once again, that hubby and I make a good team and that I really like my princess. We cooked, and watched movies and shoveled snow - all together. It was a memorable time. This is what I want to be able to do with my life. I want to work from home and spend time (and I mean real time) with the people I love; not just see them for 2 hours a night and one day a weekend - there's no fairness in that; there's so much sadness in work.

Stay Near Home Mom

I'm guessing it's because I've been away from home a lot in the past few months, but my girls are now asking me to stay home on a daily basis. It's unusual because they generally don't pay hubby or I any mind if one of us comes or goes, but lately, they get upset if I even leave to get my hair done. And mama needs to get her hair done. In the past couple of months I've been to Pittsburgh, Dallas, Bethany Beach, New York, Atlanta, and Los Angeles. So I totally know why they keep asking why Mommy always has to go to "meetings." Along with everything else, balancing the travel aspect of my career and professional pursuits is becoming increasingly difficult. Of course, they're totally fine when I'm gone...it's just that I miss them. Terribly. And apparently they miss me too. Hubby and I are gearing up to go away for Thanksgiving since we never get to go away together. I'm already starting to feel a twinge of guilt about that.

Every.single.morning they ask me why I have to go to work. They plead with me to stay home. Try having your heart broken each weekday morning on your way to the metro. It sucks. Big time. I explain that I need to work to earn money so that we can pay for things like groceries and Hannah Montana boots. So, over the weekend Chatterbox came up with her own solution: "You can work at my school, Mommy! You can help Miss D. cut paper frogs."

Oh how I wish I could.

One look was all I needed

Princess is absolutely driving me crazy right now. I am so frustrated that I want to give her back! (Nana…you better come for her soon). She’s not listening and what’s worse is that she’s being really purposeful in her actions, if not outwardly defiant. We had it out last night – she didn’t want to sit at the “adult” table, so we let her sit at her little table, then she only wanted to watch tv and not eat because “I don’t like that!”, so I turned off the tv and asked (read told) her to eat. Lo and behold instead of eating little missy decided to color – on our cream chaise. Yes. color! I was so angry with her when I glanced over her way and noticed what was going on that I literally jumped over my chair to get to her.

My response, however, was not comparable with my level of anger and I wonder whether I’m sending her the wrong message. As you can tell from my athletic moves, I was pretty angry. But, when our bodies actually got close to each other all I could do was give her a little, tiny, itsy-bitsy, wimpy slap on her hand and then send her to her room.

I am from Trinidad, where I grew up getting a few spankings (the real ones) that set me straight for life. I knew not to cross my mom, aunts and definitely not my grandmother. I probably “knew” that because I had experienced one or two “lickings” (as we call it), so that I knew that one look was enough to let me know that I was on a slippery slope. I think I turned out a pretty well adjusted and responsible woman and I am sure that my respect for authority helped in my molding.

Now, fast-forward thirty-something years and I know it’s not socially accepted to spank kids and I try my best not to. I can't yet say whether it's the right or wrong thing because that's another discussion. But, I understand that spanking is not the way to discipline a child and I accept that I need to explore alternate disciplinary methods. I have been trying those methods – time out, counting to three, taking away toys, reducing privileges. But, yet in my heart I feel like she needs to get that one good spanking that will make her appreciate and understand the alternative disciplinary methods better.

Yet, when I was called to the mat, I flaked. In retrospect, that opportunity yesterday was the perfect time for me to lay the law and get her to understand that my words should be more than enough. Clearly my intelligent side got the better of me and I refrained from releasing my wrath – and that, I am very proud of.

But, this morning I was again faced with resistance and it makes me so frustrated at the terrible twos/threes and disappointed in myself because I can’t seem to get a hold of this situation. I’ve got to figure it out – I need some suggestions please.

Treasure time

You may remember that I was laid off in February and then about 1 month ago I accepted a position at my old, old job and I've just been waiting on a start date. Well, I will be starting on Monday. I'm excited to start and I know hubby is excited too although he won't actually say it.

So....why do I feel like this? I feel sooooo blue. I am excited to get back out there and make some money, but I am so afraid that I will just get right back into the flow of things and I'm even more afraid that I'm going to lose what I just found.

You see, for various reasons I don't think I've ever really been a good wife nor a good mother (see this post). I don't think I ever really embraced either role very well and I know for sure that I've never quite been able to balance them simultaneously. When hubby and I first got married, I had about a month's gap in between jobs and I was adjusting to being married. You know...that transitional period where you're not quite sure what you're doing and you're moving from that me stage to the we stage. Then, three years later I spent a year at home when daughter was born and I loved it - being able to be here to nurture and love her and have the comfort of knowing that she was safe and well cared for. However, during that entire year, I wasn't really much of a wife.

For some reason when I got laid off a couple months things were just different with me. I think I've matured as a person and wanted to try to do better for my daughter and my husband and ultimately for myself. I actually felt a sense of accomplishment taking care of them - cooking, cleaning, laundry, school related activities, involvement with hubby's job etc. I have NEVER felt that way before. I also de-stressed and did a lot of reflection and dreaming during this time as well. Another first for me. I believe I can say that I've been happy - truly happy during this time.

I sit here on Thursday almost in tears because I am honestly afraid of what's going to unfold come Monday morning. I am fearful that I'm going to fall back in line and back into the rat race. I'm afraid that I'm going to be stressed out and not take care of us anymore. I'm afraid that I'm going to get wrapped up in my job and bring all that stuff home. I'm sad that I probably will not be able to provide hot meals when they come home in the afternoon, not be able to play pretend with daughter, not have a clean house everyday, not spend time at the playground on the weekend, not run all household errands during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekend.

I am sad that I'm not going to have time any more. Maybe that was the treasure that I discovered during this period - I discovered the beauty and endless possibilities that come with time. I hope that my fears are just fears and that I don't become overwhelmed by this feeling.

Not-So-Happy Birthday

Today Giggles turned 3! She has been so excited about it for the past few weeks and was looking forward to her big day. This afternoon, hubby and I went to her school to have a birthday party for her with her classmates. These school birthday parties are a big deal to the kids and they all rave about whose birthday party it was at school and what kind of cake they had, etc. So we were all expecting a fun time - we had the Minnie Mouse party stuff, the Dora and Boots cupcakes, the party hats, the goody bags - but we didn't expect Giggles to burst into heaving sobs when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday." The poor child was so upset and we have no idea why! Maybe it was because they had just finished naptime. Or maybe the excitement was just too much to bear. Or maybe having the spotlight on her freaked her out. Whatever the reason, she was distressed and wanted to go home. Hubby ended up letting her sit in the car for a little bit until she calmed down. She eventually came back inside and sat on my lap and had a cupcake. With her coat on. It was a sad sight.

I'm thinking she's having a hard time with the idea of becoming a "big" girl. We've been using that term in trying to get her to stop sucking her thumb, etc. and lately she's taken to saying "I don't wanna be a big girl." And so the Mommy Guilt invites itself over for coffee. Maybe she's feeling like she had to "grow up" to fast because of L'il Buddy's arrival? I have no idea. But I will be making extra sure to give her comfort that she is still my baby and always will be.

Even if we did waste $40 on party supplies.