I'm Not Failing as a Mother or Wife

Have any of you ever felt like your home life was out of control, or is it just me?

I have this weight on my shoulders lately that just seems to get heavier and heavier. I don't know what it is. Is it hormones, is it stress, WHAT IS IT? I can't shake it. Lately I've been in a funk and feel like my home life is out of control. And by home life, I mean my children, the house, and all the things that go along with keeping a house/raising children. Remember Ny's post last week where she described trepidation about having to return to work? She described feeling a sense of calmness since she's been able to focus on family first rather than her job, all thanks to her layoff from a job that was very stressful. I totally understood what she meant. When the home life is good it seems that everything else just falls into place.

I know I'm overreacting but this stupid guilt is weighing heavy on my heart. My two boys are constantly fighting and therefore, I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my kids. Hubby and I seem to only have enough time to keep the family/common areas of the house clean, therefore I don't even want to walk into any of the bedrooms or bathrooms. I remember one night a few weeks ago, our neighbor came to get her son who is now Oldest's BFF. When she walked in, the dog started barking like crazy, Little "B" was in the middle of a having a fit and crying, and the house was a mess. The whole time I had this fake look on my face like "Yeah, I have this all under control." She came, saw the madness, quickly got her son, and ran the hell out of Dodge.

I wanted to die of embarrassment. Her house is always spotless. Meanwhile, I prefer to use the guest bathroom in my house because it seems like that's the only one safe to use. (Boys)

I won't go on and complain about how laundry is everywhere, how my garage is full of stuff I need to mail or take to Goodwill that was packed up weeks ago. I won't because complaining and feeling overwhelmed is for the weak.

Instead of worrying about how I'm setting a poor example for my kids each time I yell at them to stop fighting, or clean their rooms while mine is a mess, I'm going to finish reading all those books I bought last summer on raising good kids so you don't have to yell and I'm going to shut up and put up. All this complaining is getting me nowhere.

I am not one to feel pity for myself because my life is "so hard." I know plenty of women that have it much harder than I do. Feeling pity is for the weak. I didn't go to law school because I'm weak. I didn't have a baby, get my best grades, graduate from law school, pass the bar, and start my first job all in one year because I'm a wimp. Nope, not me.

It's time to tighten up my laces and pick up where I left off in this marathon of life because I'm really just getting started. School will be out in less than two weeks so I better have it all together by then. I try to make sure my kids have great summers so I need to stop feeling like grouchy mama and start acting like super mama.

Alpha Mom, Zeta wife ... Beta mom, Beta wife

The issue of "Alpha Mom, Zeta wife" came up this morning on the Today Show and it caught my eye. I wish they had explored it some more by interviewing some women. But essentially the gist of the story is that we moms are striving so hard to be the perfect mom (everything to our kids) that we are totally neglecting our roles as wives (next to nothing for our husbands) and saving even less for ourselves.

Of course, I start thinking this story is a little cyclical because the underlying premise here is the same issue that they are somehow criticizing - that we've got to be perfect in every scenario because really if you want to be an alpha mom you should also want to be an alpha wife. This rise in awareness of alpha moms (or at least the terminology) has added more pressure to moms because let's face it, no one wants to be a "B" (at least not aloud) - most, if not all of us want to be an "A" (at least when we're in the company of others, right?).

However, the story took a bit of a strange twist at the end because rather than continuing down the road of contrasting alpha versus zeta, and continuing to put pressure on moms, they suggested the possibility of being satisfied being a beta mom and a beta wife.

OMG.....this is it!!!!! "Beta mom, Beta wife".

I felt as if this weight was lifted off my shoulders. Finally I feel the conversation turning from perfection (which we all know is absolutely ridiculous and stressful) to a more realistic picture. It made me think it's okay if I'm not the alpha, in fact, it's okay that I don't want to be an alpha. I felt like something was a little wrong and I dare not say aloud that I knew within myself that I didn't or couldn't be an alpha. I've tried (and TRIED) to be alpha and I think I failed terribly because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't able to have a nutritious dinner ready every night for a perfectly coiffed intelligent child who participated in 50 extra-curricular activities and was perfectly adjusted and had clean clothes to begin every week and whose room was perfectly decorated, all the while trying to provide the same and more for husband while also having a thriving career and looking fly all the time.

Not that I needed someone to tell me that it's okay to be beta ... but I did. Yesterday on Oprah (BTW...Blogalicious 2009 keynote speaker Karen Walrond was great) there was a discussion that we as moms put the pressure on each other and there is always that internal competition breeding between and among us. I think the rise of acceptance of the alpha mom terminology raised that competition to a different level. We would secretly assess ourselves based on how well our kids performed vis-a-vis other kids or how superficially happy our marriages appeared when we get together with our friends and co-workers.

For a long time I would assess myself (if I was being honest) as a beta mom, zeta wife. Really. I was trying and trying to do as much as I could for my daughter and I totally neglected my husband. I wasn't perfect in achieving anything with my daughter. In fact, she barely liked and expressed that a lot (read, almost every day). She would say to me, "I don't like you, I like daddy" and she's only 3! I was fussing and stressing so much in my effort to make things as perfect as I could in her world that she didn't like to be around me. Simultaneously I so neglected my marriage and my husband. We would go months without sex or even intimacy. Who am I kidding ... we would barely talk to each other. I don't know which came first, focusing on perfection for baby leading to neglecting hubby or was it because there was a space between hubby and I so I focused on daughter - I don't know.

But since being home now for about 7 weeks I've really re-evaluated everything. I'm so much happier doing my best - not perfect, just my best. I've tried to keep the house clean and food on the table and spend time with my daughter and with my hubby all the while accepting that there are days that I get some of those things done and others where I get none of those things done. I've accepted a position in my field but it's not at the stature that I had nor at the same income. I consciously decided that to be able to give and have for everyone and myself I needed to lower the bar. So, I think I've been living the beta mom, beta wife role for the past few weeks without even realizing it until this morning.

I hope this conversation will continue to turn the tide from alpha to beta. I'm happy that we can talk about being just "okay" at anything as opposed to being perfect at everything.

I support beta moms!!!